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Jokes
Oct 28, 2010 11:49:00 GMT
Post by ratman on Oct 28, 2010 11:49:00 GMT
My wife argued with me that men can't muti task. I proved her wrong by wanking and looking at her sister's holiday photo's at the same time!!! hahaha |
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Jokes
Oct 28, 2010 12:07:48 GMT
Post by Chicharito 14 on Oct 28, 2010 12:07:48 GMT
Linford Christie goes to a golf club and the man at reception says, "sorry sir, we dont let black people play here. There's another club 10 minutes down the road that might help." "But im Linford Christie!" he says. "Alright then, clever cnut...3 minutes down the road, now f**k off!"
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Jokes
Oct 28, 2010 12:53:59 GMT
Post by Donko on Oct 28, 2010 12:53:59 GMT
Stephen Hawkins was out on a date last weekend. When he returned back however his glasses were broken, he had a broken nose, a bruised lip, grazed knees, a broken wrist and a sprained ankle. Apparently she stood him up! Just read this out to a boy in work, the pc brigade were in full tutting and eye-rolling mode!! |
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Oct 28, 2010 13:20:27 GMT
Post by ratman on Oct 28, 2010 13:20:27 GMT
Stephen Hawkins was out on a date last weekend. When he returned back however his glasses were broken, he had a broken nose, a bruised lip, grazed knees, a broken wrist and a sprained ankle. Apparently she stood him up! Just read this out to a boy in work, the pc brigade were in full tutting and eye-rolling mode!! aye, them army computer technicians arent much crack.... |
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Jokes
Oct 29, 2010 10:47:26 GMT
Post by cocky on Oct 29, 2010 10:47:26 GMT
Aman goes to the doctor complaining of an intense sore stomach ache.
The doctor tells him he has a very serious condition and prescribes a suppository, which must be inserted as deep as possible.
The doctor warns him that it will be painful and asks him to bend over before pushing the suppository deep up the man’s anus. He prescribes a second dose of the drug to be taken six hours later.
At home the man tries to insert the second suppository but he struggles to reach the required depth.
He calls for his wife for help. She puts one hand on his shoulder to stabilise him and pushes the suppository in with her other hand.
Suddenly the man shouts out "b*****d!"
"Did I hurt you?" asks his wife.
"No" replies the man, "but I've just realised that when the doctor put the first one in, BOTH his hands were on my shoulders!"
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Oct 30, 2010 6:37:59 GMT
Post by Donko on Oct 30, 2010 6:37:59 GMT
I have just painted a pair of wellies silver and left them on front door step, that way any wee basturd that goes to trick or treat my door will think Gary Glitter is there....
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Nov 1, 2010 13:40:06 GMT
Post by pele on Nov 1, 2010 13:40:06 GMT
Women claim that childbirth is the hardest thing any human can face. They've obviously never tried giving a dwarf an uppercut before. ;D
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Nov 1, 2010 16:07:01 GMT
Post by ratman on Nov 1, 2010 16:07:01 GMT
I have just painted a pair of wellies silver and left them on front door step, that way any wee basturd that goes to trick or treat my door will think Gary Glitter is there.... i spray 'paedos out' across my door every halloween... |
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Nov 1, 2010 18:08:56 GMT
Post by Donko on Nov 1, 2010 18:08:56 GMT
I have just painted a pair of wellies silver and left them on front door step, that way any wee basturd that goes to trick or treat my door will think Gary Glitter is there.... i spray 'paedos out' across my door every halloween... Hahahahaha |
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Jokes
Nov 27, 2010 19:39:23 GMT
Post by goram on Nov 27, 2010 19:39:23 GMT
a women scans the guests at a party and spots a dark handsome guy , she approaches him saying , my name is carmen . beautiful name , he says . she winks , and says , i gave it 2 myself as it reflects my 2 favourite things in life , cars and men . wats ur name , he replies , BEERFANNY .  |
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Jokes
Nov 27, 2010 20:06:17 GMT
Post by BFP on Nov 27, 2010 20:06:17 GMT
Went to my girlfriend's funeral yesterday. It was the first time I'd met her parents... what a pair of miserable b@stards
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Nov 27, 2010 20:14:38 GMT
Post by pele on Nov 27, 2010 20:14:38 GMT
Went to my girlfriend's funeral yesterday. It was the first time I'd met her parents... what a pair of miserable b@stards Awful  |
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Jokes
Nov 27, 2010 20:30:56 GMT
Post by BFP on Nov 27, 2010 20:30:56 GMT
A couple of weeks after returning home from a holiday in the Orient a guy starts to experience numbness in his penis along with a horrible smelling discharge. So he goes to see his family doctor. He undergoes an exam and the doctor takes some blood samples.
The doctor tells the guy "I'm sorry to say you have contracted a rare venereal disease for which there is only one cure and that is to cut your penis off." Horrified, the guy asks for a second opinion and is sent to a specialist.
The specialist does his exam and takes more blood samples. Finally, he tells the guy "I'm afraid the only cure is penal amputation."
The guy is frantic. He decides to see an oriental doctor because after all he had contracted the disease in the Orient.
So he goes to a doctor of oriental orientation. The doc does the exam and takes blood tests. He then tells the guy that he has contracted a rare and serious venereal disease. The guy says "I know that! My family doctor and a specialist both told me the only cure was to cut my penis off"
The oriental doctor just laughed. "All western doctors are the same" he says "All they ever want to do is cut things off!" The guy is instantly relieved. "You mean to say you don't have to guy my prick off?" "Of course not!" says the doctor "Just wait a few days and it'll drop off by itself!"
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Nov 27, 2010 20:34:05 GMT
Post by BFP on Nov 27, 2010 20:34:05 GMT
Man goes to the doctor for a check up, doctor says to him im afraid you're dying, man says youre joking doctor, how long have i got? doctor replies ten.. the patient then interupts in a panic and says, ten what? months? weeks? days? the doctor continues...nine, eight, seven....
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Nov 27, 2010 21:02:53 GMT
Post by QUIGS on Nov 27, 2010 21:02:53 GMT
What's all the hype about the Royal family visiting and shaking hands with Aids victims??
Freddie Mercury used to f**k them!!
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Jokes
Dec 9, 2010 19:25:08 GMT
Post by topofthetownclown on Dec 9, 2010 19:25:08 GMT
Doury road man in a bar drinking,
where a gay fella is eyeing him up,after a few beers the gay plucks up the courage to 2 ask,
"Do u fancy a blow job?"Doury road man takes a bar stool and batters the gay to a pulp and kicks him out the door, barman says "christ that was a bit harsh,wat did he say 2 u?
Doury road man says "dunno,something about a job"!!!!!!!!
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Jokes
Dec 23, 2010 22:40:24 GMT
Post by topofthetownclown on Dec 23, 2010 22:40:24 GMT
Just after stealing a turkey from tesco's...... security man shouts "hey boy wat u doing with that?" i replied "roast spuds,carrots,peas and gravy,ya nosey basterd" ;D ;D
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May 31, 2012 21:28:04 GMT
Post by DICKOV on May 31, 2012 21:28:04 GMT
What has Stevie, Eddie and Simon Cowell got in common?
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May 31, 2012 21:29:40 GMT
Post by pele on May 31, 2012 21:29:40 GMT
What has Stevie, Eddie and Simon Cowell got in common?  Shorts up to their necks? |
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May 31, 2012 21:31:05 GMT
Post by DICKOV on May 31, 2012 21:31:05 GMT
;D Right up to the oxters. Sorry lads, had to be said sooner rather than later.
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May 31, 2012 21:31:20 GMT
Post by LENNY on May 31, 2012 21:31:20 GMT
What has Stevie, Eddie and Simon Cowell got in common? Shorts up to their necks? Thats sharp! the man who beats that should be on stage! |
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May 31, 2012 21:46:31 GMT
Post by jonnymcc on May 31, 2012 21:46:31 GMT
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Post by samassi abou on Jun 1, 2012 21:51:09 GMT
Last 3 liverpool managers an Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman will leave it at that  |
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Jun 1, 2012 22:11:47 GMT
Post by bap on Jun 1, 2012 22:11:47 GMT
Last 3 liverpool managers an Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman will leave it at that But Jeff'll say the last word of the punchline is obsessed  |
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Jun 1, 2012 22:16:51 GMT
Post by Donko on Jun 1, 2012 22:16:51 GMT
Last 3 liverpool managers an Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman will leave it at that But Jeff'll say the last word of the punchline is obsessed |
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Post by DavyFTB on Jun 1, 2012 22:53:57 GMT
Last 3 liverpool managers an Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman will leave it at that Northern Irish |
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2012 23:09:13 GMT
Post by Carlton Palmer on Nov 10, 2012 23:09:13 GMT
A scouse mate just informed me he's just got a new trampoline for his kids off the internet. Asked him which site, informed me Google earth.
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Nov 10, 2012 23:47:46 GMT
Post by Carlton Palmer on Nov 10, 2012 23:47:46 GMT
My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with Football Manager.
In my defence though, I've got Dani Alves, Kompany, Vidic and Lahm
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Jokes
Nov 11, 2012 0:11:22 GMT
Post by Cmac on Nov 11, 2012 0:11:22 GMT
If Tetris taught me one thing, it is that mistakes pile up while success just vanishes
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Nov 11, 2012 1:39:21 GMT
Post by mrfish on Nov 11, 2012 1:39:21 GMT
Ye know the best thing about yer prostitute dying on ye? The second hour's free! ;D That's the only clean one yer getting from me! |
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