Jokes

[pele10]

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations" but none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"?

[pele10]

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b*****d and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

[BFP]

Oct 8, 2010 14:52:42 GMT pele10 said:

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations" but none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"?

because its not yours pelefromthewaveney

[pele]

Oct 8, 2010 14:54:27 GMT BFP said:

Oct 8, 2010 14:52:42 GMT pele10 said:

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations" but none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"?

because its not yours pelefromthewaveney

Well Pelefromthebroadway not guilty ;D

[weedo]

what the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?


Iron Man is a super-hero, Iron Woman is an instruction!!!

[topofthetownclown]

Well i braked hard but still hit the car in front.A cute blonde got out & shouted "Ram me up the arse why dont u"!!!
That your honour is where the confusion began...........

[pele10]

Oct 8, 2010 14:54:27 GMT BFP said:

Oct 8, 2010 14:52:42 GMT pele10 said:

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations" but none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"?

because its not yours pelefromthewaveney

LOL ;D ;D

Very good bfp....

[lonesomeboatman]

Two Irishmen are making letter bombs,
Pat says, "d'ya think i've put enough explosives in this envelope?"
"Dunno" says Mick, "open it and see"
"But it will explode!" says Pat.
Mick says "dont be so fooking stupid, its not addressed to you!"

[lonesomeboatman]

A lion in Glasgow Zoo was lying in the sun licking its aRse, when a visitor turned to the keeper and said "thats a dopey aul bustard isnt it? "Nae danger" said the keeper "its the most ferocious beast in the Zoo, just an hour ago it dragged a Rangers fan into the cage and completely devoured him!"
"Fook me" said the astonished visitor, "but whys it lying there licking its aRse?"
Zoo keeper says "Poor thing's trying to get the taste oot its mooth"

;D ;D ;D

[mich]

How do you get an old lady to shout "C*nt!"?







Get another one to shout "Bingo!".

[TheCat]

Some short ones for you's......

A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've ever seen!"

The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"

Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us, a definite connection, her legs went to jelly and she fell to my feet!!

These Taser guns are well worth the money


3 sisters. Ann, Jan & Fanny all have very big feet,
Ann has size 8 , Jan size 9 and Fanny size 15.
Ann and Jan go on a double date, one of the boys says
"Jesus you both have very big feet!"

Ann replies " You should see our Fanny's, they're f**kin' huge!"

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?
Names....

What do you get if you cross a ball with Emile Heskey......
A goal kick....

[Homer]

Why do orphans use Persil?

Cause they've not got any Daz.

[Homer]

A wife buys herself a pair of crotchless knickers to spice up her lovelife. She puts them on under her short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
He looks over his newspaper and says "are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
She winks and says "yes darling"
"Thank f**k for that" he says, " I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa"

[Homer]

Why did so many black guys die in Vietnam?

Cause every time the General shouted 'GET DOWN' they all started dancing

[Homer]

Was at a charity do for people that had lost their legs the other night....

Dancefloor was crawling with fanny

[turfcutter]

Why can't two Chinese people have a white baby?



Cause two Wong's don't make a white!

[lonesomeboatman]

My chinese m8 had a girlfriend named Lorraine, buthe was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee.
Unfortunately Lorraine died, and at her funeral my m8 stood up and sang
"I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone" ;D ;D

[Cmac]

Is it just me or is there a joke missing

[mrfish]

I was just pm'd about this so could someone tell me what's going on???

[junior]

Political joke fish, sum1 must have removed it.

[harty]

There was reference made to a terrorist organisation.

Therefore the joke was removed as part of the zero tolerance policy being adopted by head mods.

[mrfish]

I myself never seen the joke in question lads so can only go on what those who have said and if it's political then I'm affraid, in light of recent problems on here, it has gone.

We are operating on a zero tolerence basis when it comes to sectarianism lads. Although I'm sure it was a joke, too many idiots can't adopt a sense of humour on these issues!!

[junior]

Oct 12, 2010 21:46:29 GMT harty said:

There was reference made to a terrorist organisation.

Therefore the joke was removed as part of the zero tolerance policy being adopted by head mods.

And rightly so!

[lonesomeboatman]

Oct 12, 2010 21:53:54 GMT mrfish said:

I myself never seen the joke in question lads so can only go on what those who have said and if it's political then I'm affraid, in light of recent problems on here, it has gone.

We are operating on a zero tolerence basis when it comes to sectarianism lads. Although I'm sure it was a joke, too many idiots can't adopt a sense of humour on these issues!!

As i said when i posted it, no offence intended

Al tx you it now Fishy

[mrfish]

Oct 12, 2010 22:15:23 GMT @lonesomeboatman said:

Oct 12, 2010 21:53:54 GMT mrfish said:

I myself never seen the joke in question lads so can only go on what those who have said and if it's political then I'm affraid, in light of recent problems on here, it has gone.

We are operating on a zero tolerence basis when it comes to sectarianism lads. Although I'm sure it was a joke, too many idiots can't adopt a sense of humour on these issues!!

As i said when i posted it, no offence intended

Al tx you it now Fishy

Mate, I totally understand the context, that's not in question from you at all!!!

[thelawnmowerman]

aceyboy.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=comgalls&action=display&thread=1160

[ratman]

Whats pink and hard? A pig with a flicknife...

[pele10]

Oct 13, 2010 10:40:16 GMT ratman said:

Whats pink and hard? A pig with a flicknife...

hahahahahaha - quality Ratman!!

[cocky]

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Guaranteed to work! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

[ratman]

im debating with myself whether i should tell the joke about how to give a west indian a sore head. Its very racist...more racist than nick griffins house on christmas day..