jokes

[ripley]

This man was walking down Main St in Bangor, wondering what he could do to improve his chances of picking up women.When all of a sudden he saw a poster advertising the fact that Fosset's circus was coming to town.
Being none too bright,(we're talking Bangor here.)He thought "Great ,thats just the place to pull the birds.If i put on my best threads they'll be falling over me."
So the next night , all dolled up , he goes and buys a ticket for the front row, where he'll think he'll be noticed.
As he's sitting there waiting for the show to begin , he's being watched by the clowns from backstage.
"Look at that tit in the suit in the front row,"says one "lets bring him down a peg or two."
So whenever the clowns come on for their turn, one of them says "We're looking for a volunteer.You sir ,in the suit in the front row ,you'll do."
"Perfect,"thinks the man . The skank can't fail to notice me now."
Then the clown says to him "We'd like to ask you a few questions. Are you the front end of an ass?"
"No." replies the man.
"Are you the back end of an ass?"
"No," says the man again ,getting a wee bit concerned.
"Then you must be No end of an ass." says the clown. And the whole tent falls about laughing.(Bangor,remember.)
The man storms out in a huff ,vowing revenge.While walking down Abbey St fuming,he sees a notice in a newsagents window, It says....AMAZING HARRY
MASTER OF SARCASM ,WIT,
& RAPID REPARTEE.
He thinks to himself,"That sounds like just the man for me ."And gives him a ring.
After explaining the situation,AMAZING HARRY, MASTER OF SARCASM, WIT, & RAPID REPARTEE,tells him to buy 2 tickets to the next nights show, and meet him before it starts.
So the 2 of them take their seats in the front row. And the clowns can't believe their luck.
"Look theres that halfwit from last night, and he's brought a friend." one says.
When they take to the ring they promptly go over to the man & ask him to volunteer himself.
The man looks at AMAZING HARRY,MASTER OF SARCASM, WIT,& RAPID REPARTEE, who just nods his approval.
"Are you the front end of an ass?"asks the clown.
The man looks at AMAZING HARRY MASTER OF SARCASM,WIT & RAPID REPARTEE,who just shakes his head.
"No!"
"Then are you the back end of an ass?"Again he looks imploringly to AMAZING HARRY MASTER OF SARCASM WIT & RAPID REPARTEE.Who again shakes his head.
"No!!" shouts the man.
"Then you must be no end of an ass!"scream the clowns.
By now the audience are fairly wetting themselves,and the man is humiliated.
"AMAZING HARRY, MASTER OF SARCASM ,WIT&RAPID REPARTEE do something!!!"he yells.
And AMAZING HARRY ,MASTER OF SARCASM, WIT & RAPID REPARTEE,stands up ,points at the clowns and shouts
"f**k OFF ,YOU RED NOSED B*STARDS!!"

[ripley]

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?” the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."

[ripley]

A man is lying in bed with the wife when at 3.30am the door bell goes. Confused the man goes downstairs and opens the door. On his doorstep was a man standing in the pouring rain. The man said "I don't suppose you could give a push." The home owner refuses, pointing out that he was up at 6am it's now 3.30am and it's pissing down. He returns to bed and the wife asks "Who was that?". He tells the wife the story and she starts having a go at him, reminding him of the time last year when their car broke down. They were helped by two strangers in the middle of the night. The man relents, gets changed and heads downstairs.

As he opens the front door he shouts " Mate are you still there?"
A voice returns "Yes"

"Where are you"
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"I am over here on the swings!!!!!!!!!"

[Blackstone Cowboy]

Quiet day in the office, eh bogle?