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Post by mrfish on Apr 8, 2011 22:00:37 GMT
I, Col Fishington, chose a life few others truely choose. A life awash with corns, odours, nails and even curly hair. I became a Foot Soldier for Arthur McClean.  Growing up, my family were far from poor, we had a roof over our heads in the famous Dunvale estate and although we never went without, there was always something missing. My St Patricks education served only to hinder any mild dreams of wealth, success and importance to the extent that I found myself trapped in the throws of ballymena's sporting field, dressed from head to toe in a Star Utd kit. For 90 minutes on a saturday morning in the beautiful lakes of Wakehurst, to quote the words of Neil Lennon's brother John, all my troubles seemed so far away. I felt part of something, granted that part I was feeling was normally approx 6 inches in length and incrusted with pure Coleraine Mature Cheddar Cheese but it sure took me mind aff the pressure of being a nothing with a minimal education and lack of apparent skill. The man at the helm of this release (at times literally) was known locally as Arthur John McClean, described once in the Ballymena Times edition that Christopher Smiley attempted to purchase over a counter of the Co-Op in Derry as a local lovable rogue, hell bent on hand picking every inch of talent in junior football. He told me many stories and shared plenty of wisdom, sometimes in liquid form and taken orally, and once told me when he seen a young ASSpiring footballer he instantly thought about a star and that's why he named his team Star utd. I found that rather clASSy and informed him of this one night whilst we both talked business over a glASS of Cremola Foam and Scotch eggs he kept in a jar beneath a tartan cloth in his basement. Then came the news that deep down I suppose I always knew....I wasn't one of these talented footballers, he had other plans for me. For Arthur wasn't only a man, he wasn't only a manager. He was a Revolutionary and a Libertarian.  |
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Post by mrfish on Apr 8, 2011 22:13:39 GMT
People started to dislike Arthur. According to him many folk were jealous of his grip on the local talent and he was determined to rise above their slurs, intolerence and negativity. He started an Army, the AMCFF and his trusty hired hand, Special Agent Ratman, took full charge of military duties. As the title suggests, I was in charge of his feet. It wasn't easy but whenever the Kaiser's feet needed sorted I was there. Walking about in those plimsole's fairly breaks yer bunnions.  |
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Post by chuky1984 on Apr 11, 2011 15:11:09 GMT
haha fish how the f**k do u cum up way them....cracker....keep my name outa anythn 2 do way mr mcclean lol
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Post by kevvvy1892 on Apr 11, 2011 15:17:56 GMT
LOL the fish strikes again, arthurs barmy army
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Post by chuky1984 on Apr 11, 2011 15:19:49 GMT
the fish is gona get a bang 2 the head with a priest if he uses my name again lol
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Post by mrfish on Apr 15, 2011 16:47:04 GMT
To be a successful army, Lord McClean once told me, "ye have to bend.....the rules". That wouldn't be enough though to win a war. We had to train as an armed force so we started lifting weights in Volunteer ratman's bedroom. That, in time, gave us plenty of force in our arms and eventually Arthur introduced specialist methods of obtaining the ultimate soldiers body, he took us to Germany and we started digging up Nazi burial grounds. There were thousands of them.
Arthur, unknown to most people, had ancient ties with Nazi Germany. Four of them were still in his wardrobe with his ancient shirts. He had bought them in a tie store in Munich in 1939 and kept them as a souvenir.
Kaiser McClean first visited Germany prior to 1939 and because of his youthful good looks the local people were instantly intrigued and sucked, liked many before and after them (more young than old) into his aura. He met a young soldier named Adolf who was in the middle of forming a group aligned to keeping Germany German and after a very intimate conversation the pair realised they shared many similar interests, particularly sexual preference. Adolf normally wouldn't have appreciated having a non German running around his patch but there was a bond they shared, and Adolf loved the famous Star Utd sock game so he told Arthur to grow a wee tash and blend in.
The people took to Arthur and Adolf soon raised him on a platform....he inadvertinly touched his leg and hey presto, raised Arthur.
Before heading home for Ballymena Arthur faced a reporter to answer some questions. He wanted to know how to get to the airport but the reporter wanted the Kaiser's tongue down his throat in return for directions. They shared a moment before he informed McClean on the best possible way. Before he made his way though the reporter asked "so what do you make of Mr Hitler and his SS Army" to which Arthur replied, "they are some unit....I'll give them their jews"....the rest, as they say, was history.
Arthur kept his wee tash for many years until one day he went to Chimney Corner match and the hure who was managing them stole it.
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Post by Muffin Man on Apr 15, 2011 22:33:23 GMT
hahahahahaha fecking mental bas Fish
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Post by mrfish on Apr 15, 2011 23:29:41 GMT
You wouldn't think it just by looking at him but the dear Kaiser is over 100 years on our lovely planet. He's seen many things come and eventually go (with knicker's round their ankles) and is no stranger to a 1920's sexual orgy.
Back then though, only men were allowed to have sex, which made the issues surrounding morbid homosexuality rather touchy. He once confided in me, "Fish me lad, how can ye expect a woman to be able to pull yer bar when she hasn't a bar hersel? Sure that's like a Belfast Catholic telling a Belfast Prod how to build a f**king boat.....and likewise (he continued), a Belfast Prod telling a Belfast Caflick how to build a friggin iceburg". Wise words I thought and who was I to argue with such well documented reason. And if it wasn't well documented, by the time Arthur was finished with ye, it f**king would be!!
Very few (if any) actually realise that the historic Easter Rising in 1916 was nothing to do with the brave Irishmen and Irish women who fought British opression in Ireland. The title of Easter Rising was actually in reference to Arthur's first hard on, which fell on the same year in Dublin's Grafton Street before it was Grafton Street, when it was Shafton Street where lots of....riding was done.
And speaking of boats and iceburgs, the great Arthur, in 19 and 12, paid through the nose for a ticket for the maiden voyage of the great Belfast ship, the Titanic. Sadly the price of a ticket in those financial times meant that only the upper class of Belfast and her neighbouring societies (so no one from Lisburn) could afford to "take the plunge" and Arthur, being the Peter Stringfellow of his time, without the strip clubs, hadn't a nose big enough to pay through. Fortunately he befriended wee Maxy's great great granda and Arthur was able to get the bunse through his rather impressive snotter box.
He boarded the vessel in all her glory, looking rather anxious to find the many "boys" that were said to be on board. Imagine his dispair when he realised by the word "boys" they meant wee small boats, stuck to the side of the big boat and the only time he'd be seeing the back of these boys would be when all the rich donar's and weins f**ked aff on them when the big boat decided to turn into the worlds largest submarine!!!
Still, that was the biggest orgy he was ever to grace, there was sea men everywhere.
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Post by mrfish on Apr 20, 2011 22:23:44 GMT
Arthur, as we all know, is a man who prides himself on his appearence and healthy lifestyle. I mind one time I overheard him talking to Paul Berry (former DUP, not the ref) down at Wakehurst. Arthur asked Paul if he could teach him how to do the splits? Berry asked him how flexible he was and Arthur replied "well I can't do friggin Tuesday's"!!
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Post by mrfish on Apr 20, 2011 22:27:36 GMT
We were a well drilled organisation from top to bottom. The Kaiser told his top brass what was going down (or who was...) and then word was filtered down through the rank and file.
An example was the visit of Halley's Comet....
COLONEL MCCLEAN ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."
LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."
SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."
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Post by mrfish on Oct 27, 2012 20:57:04 GMT
Arthur "yippy ki aye" McClean attended Farm Lodge Tecnical College after his compulsory education in Moat Road Elementary. At first he went to study Archeology but found himself in a little "too deep" when one lunch time he was round the back of the sportshall with some donar, fingering the life out of her only to come across a tampon wedged in her special place. He slipped it out, brought it into his teacher and asked "here sir, ye any idea what period this is from".  |
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Post by mrfish on Oct 27, 2012 21:07:03 GMT
I once went golfing with Arthur but I don't think he explained all the rules correctly... All he told me was "when we're in the rough, I need you to hold my wood"...  |
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Post by mrfish on Oct 27, 2012 21:13:12 GMT
For Arthur's 100th Birthday we hired him an Asian Hooker.
Next morning a convoy of the AMCFF arrived to clear up the scene and we asked the Kaiser if he'd had a good night...
He replied, "it was alright. I gave her some seeing to. Only problem was she was two hours late. There was plenty of sucky sucky but at the end of the friggin day, she loved me wrong time".
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